Where I want to be...

I've been through how I've gotten to where I am... at least I've skimmed the surface. Now... where I want to be. I want to live my true life. I want to make happy, wonderful memories for my kids. I want to look back and remember living. I know we only get one life and I am not living it very well. I hide in my house. I stay where I feel safe. I don't go outside my box very often.

I just watched a show about the life of Randy Pausch. He's the college professor that wrote the "Last Lecture" book. He died last week. He lived his best life. He made wonderful memories for his kids. And I'm sure he would give anything to switch places with any one of us.

So that's what I'm working toward. To live my best life... and be true to myself.

How did I get here?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am the way I am... overweight. I was a normal sized kid - even a little skinny. My prom dress was a size 9. I probably weighed about 125 pounds when I graduated from college. I gained 5 or 10 pounds during that first year of high school... still relatively thin. I convinced myself, though, that I was fat after I heard that my high school boyfriend (who was no longer in my life at that point) had told someone that I had gained a lot of weight. I remember confronting him and feeling so good about it. I also remember feeling like I was going to die inside. I walked a lot that summer (between freshman and sophomore years) and looked really good by the time I went back to school.

And then... I didn't keep it up. I ate junk. I didn't exercise. I drank a lot (well, no more than your average college sophomore). I gained weight. More and more. Probably 50 or so pounds over the next three years.

By then, I had a great boyfriend. One that liked to eat and drink. One that loved me for me. A few years later, that boyfriend would become my husband. And he's a great husband. He loves me despite the fact that I don't love myself.

Anyway... by now I was in my 20's. Living it up. I got married and settled into life with my husband. By the time I was 27 or so, I decided I needed to actually do something to lose weight. I started on Weight Watchers - which is a fantastic program. I went with two other ladies. They didn't last a month. But I kept going back every week. I walked almost every day. And I lost about 35 pounds in a year. Slowly by surely. And then I got pregnant. Pregnant and sick. I wasn't worried about what I ate because I was sick every day of that pregnancy.

When I had my baby, I tried to be careful with what I ate. I went back to WW. But by then I wasn't working anymore and the couldn't justify the cost. So I slacked. And before I knew it, I weighed what I did before I went to WW the first time (which was about what I weighed when I gave birth to my first child). And then I got pregnant again. I only gained 20 or so pounds. But that weight didn't come off after the baby was born. And now I weigh more than I did when I gave birth the second time. And when your "baby" is almost 4 years old, you really can't blame the pregnancy anymore for the weight.

What I want... what I need

I really want to be a good mom... a good wife... a good person. I realize that I lose my patience with the girls so easily... and that is something that I'm trying to work on. I realize that in order to love someone - to truly love someone - I must love myself first. And I'm working on that too. A little bit at a time. Two steps forward, one step back. And sometimes one step forward, two steps back.

I'm trying hard to have a happier mindset. I am so blessed in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, quirks and all. I have two beautiful little girls who love me. I have some fantastic friends who love me. And yet, there is something missing. And I think what's missing is me loving me.

So basically, what I want and need is some self-love. And if anyone has any suggestions on where to get that, I'd love to hear them.

New book... new hope???

A woman on a bulletin board that I frequent suggested the book "Choose to Lose" by Dr. Ron Goor & Nancy Goor. I put my name on the library list a couple of weeks ago and it was finally available to pick up today. It's a big book - about 600 pages. I didn't expect that.

According to the cover, it's:
- A simple, effective method that puts you in control
- Not a diet, but a way of life
- Lose weight forecer and never be hungry
- Reduce your risk of heart attack, cancer and diabetes

We shall see. I'll read it - just like I've read all the books that came before. My most recent failure was Dr. Oz's book, "You: On a Diet." I kept at that for a few days before deciding it wasn't for me.

I have hopes for this book... I'll keep you updated.

No self control... where does it come from?

My dad has adult onset diabetes - which was diagnosed a dozen years ago. He had a heart attack several years back because he wasn't taking care of himself. And he still doesn't. I watch his weight creep up and down. I watch him eat the cookies and other sweets he should really stay away from. I watch him raid my candy jar (the one I don't even go in) every time he comes over to my house. I'm really thinking about hiding that jar. I can't stand it... I can't stand watching him not take care of himself. But I have the same lack of self control. I wonder if there's anyone in my life that watches me self destruct... watches me take that cookie and brownie when I really should be reaching for the strawberries or carrots.

Not the best week...

I haven't been having the best week. Mostly because I haven't been very careful with what I've been putting in my mouth. I did take a bike ride the other day and it was HARD. Goodness. I don't think I've been on a bike in about nine years - and I was quite a bit lighter then. I can only imagine what I looked like from the back. Actually, I don't even want to think about it.

What I really need to do is start writing down what I eat. So why haven't I been able to make that step. Maybe because writing things down will make me be honest with myself. So why aren't I ready for that? I'm not sure. Tomorrow's another day...

Drinking can be bad for the diet

We went to a neighborhood social at the pool last night - that was all you can drink. And we drank - all we could drink. Ugh. I'm not sure how many calories are in wine, but I'm sure it's not low-cal. And I drank a lot -probably more calories than I should have in one day. And felt like crap today... so much so that we went to McDonald's for breakfast and Five Guys for dinner - greasy food to help our upset tummies. Which is not the best for the diet. But we really did have a lot of fun, so I supposed it's worth it.

On a good note - I borrowed a pump and put air in the tires of my new bike. I washed it yesterday and it's good as new. Perhaps I'll try it out tomorrow.

A stomach bug is not a good diet

I hate not feeling well. But that's what's going one right now. I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramps and spent a bit of time the rest of the night in the bathroom. Not a good feeling. I'm still not feeling great and I haven't eaten much today. But feeling like crap is not good diet.

The good news in my life is that the treadmill works! I walked/ran on it a bit the other night. I hope to do it on a more regular basis. And I got a bike off of Freecycle. I just need to clean it up a bit and get a helmet. And Carina has a trailor that I can have - so I can pull #2 behind me while #1 and I take bike rides around the neighborhood!

Just some random thoughts

I was watching the funeral of Tim Russert today. I'm saddened by his death... and it's actually made me think about me. I know nothing about my heart health. And to be honest, I'm scared to go to the doctor. I do plan to make an appointment to have a physical - although I'd really like to lose a little weight first. I'm overdue for my yearly pap - and that's because the doctor told me at my last appointment that I needed to lose some weight. I've done anything but - I've gained 15 pounds or so since then (November 2006). I know how unhealthy it is to have extra weight on your body. I don't have the energy that I should have. I act like an old lady and I'm far from it. My knees have started to hurt while walking up stairs. I'm having a hard time getting off the floor when I'm sitting on it. All things that I never thought would happen to me. I see fat people and think "That's what I look like." It's a horrible way to live.

I've done well with the eating today. Of course, I'm going into the time of day that is difficult for me.

I'm going downstairs now to check out the treadmill that was given to us - over 6 weeks ago. It's shameful that I haven't tried it out yet.

Starting over... again

Third time is a charm... so they say. I've started this blog to help me on my (unsuccessful) journey twice already - now I'm onto my third time. And it is a journey, right? So here I am again.

I currently weigh more than I ever have. Ever. Even when I was 40 weeks pregnant with my last baby. Yeah... 8 pounds heavier than that. How disgusting is that? And today I was watching a dvr'ed episode of "John and Kate plus 8" and she mentioned how much she weighed when she gave birth to her six babies. Yeah... I weigh more than that.

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking through some old photos. Came across one from around my 19th birthday. I thought I was soooo fat then. I'd give a lot of money to be that "fat" right now. I'd love to get back down to that - or even close to that.

My clothes aren't fitting and I refuse to buy any bigger. So I'll have to squeeze myself into the clothes I have - or just wear the couple that really do fit. I'm not enjoying my life right now... and I know that quite a bit of it comes from my size. I'm disgusted with myself.... have I mentioned that?

So here I am. I've done well for the past two days. Well, minus all the wine I drank at Bunco last night. But my food eating has been pretty good. I've taken two (short) walks today. A little something is better than nothing.

I'm vowing to write more often - to hold myself accountable to something... even if it's just myself.