Where I want to be...

I've been through how I've gotten to where I am... at least I've skimmed the surface. Now... where I want to be. I want to live my true life. I want to make happy, wonderful memories for my kids. I want to look back and remember living. I know we only get one life and I am not living it very well. I hide in my house. I stay where I feel safe. I don't go outside my box very often.

I just watched a show about the life of Randy Pausch. He's the college professor that wrote the "Last Lecture" book. He died last week. He lived his best life. He made wonderful memories for his kids. And I'm sure he would give anything to switch places with any one of us.

So that's what I'm working toward. To live my best life... and be true to myself.

How did I get here?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am the way I am... overweight. I was a normal sized kid - even a little skinny. My prom dress was a size 9. I probably weighed about 125 pounds when I graduated from college. I gained 5 or 10 pounds during that first year of high school... still relatively thin. I convinced myself, though, that I was fat after I heard that my high school boyfriend (who was no longer in my life at that point) had told someone that I had gained a lot of weight. I remember confronting him and feeling so good about it. I also remember feeling like I was going to die inside. I walked a lot that summer (between freshman and sophomore years) and looked really good by the time I went back to school.

And then... I didn't keep it up. I ate junk. I didn't exercise. I drank a lot (well, no more than your average college sophomore). I gained weight. More and more. Probably 50 or so pounds over the next three years.

By then, I had a great boyfriend. One that liked to eat and drink. One that loved me for me. A few years later, that boyfriend would become my husband. And he's a great husband. He loves me despite the fact that I don't love myself.

Anyway... by now I was in my 20's. Living it up. I got married and settled into life with my husband. By the time I was 27 or so, I decided I needed to actually do something to lose weight. I started on Weight Watchers - which is a fantastic program. I went with two other ladies. They didn't last a month. But I kept going back every week. I walked almost every day. And I lost about 35 pounds in a year. Slowly by surely. And then I got pregnant. Pregnant and sick. I wasn't worried about what I ate because I was sick every day of that pregnancy.

When I had my baby, I tried to be careful with what I ate. I went back to WW. But by then I wasn't working anymore and the couldn't justify the cost. So I slacked. And before I knew it, I weighed what I did before I went to WW the first time (which was about what I weighed when I gave birth to my first child). And then I got pregnant again. I only gained 20 or so pounds. But that weight didn't come off after the baby was born. And now I weigh more than I did when I gave birth the second time. And when your "baby" is almost 4 years old, you really can't blame the pregnancy anymore for the weight.

What I want... what I need

I really want to be a good mom... a good wife... a good person. I realize that I lose my patience with the girls so easily... and that is something that I'm trying to work on. I realize that in order to love someone - to truly love someone - I must love myself first. And I'm working on that too. A little bit at a time. Two steps forward, one step back. And sometimes one step forward, two steps back.

I'm trying hard to have a happier mindset. I am so blessed in my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, quirks and all. I have two beautiful little girls who love me. I have some fantastic friends who love me. And yet, there is something missing. And I think what's missing is me loving me.

So basically, what I want and need is some self-love. And if anyone has any suggestions on where to get that, I'd love to hear them.

New book... new hope???

A woman on a bulletin board that I frequent suggested the book "Choose to Lose" by Dr. Ron Goor & Nancy Goor. I put my name on the library list a couple of weeks ago and it was finally available to pick up today. It's a big book - about 600 pages. I didn't expect that.

According to the cover, it's:
- A simple, effective method that puts you in control
- Not a diet, but a way of life
- Lose weight forecer and never be hungry
- Reduce your risk of heart attack, cancer and diabetes

We shall see. I'll read it - just like I've read all the books that came before. My most recent failure was Dr. Oz's book, "You: On a Diet." I kept at that for a few days before deciding it wasn't for me.

I have hopes for this book... I'll keep you updated.

No self control... where does it come from?

My dad has adult onset diabetes - which was diagnosed a dozen years ago. He had a heart attack several years back because he wasn't taking care of himself. And he still doesn't. I watch his weight creep up and down. I watch him eat the cookies and other sweets he should really stay away from. I watch him raid my candy jar (the one I don't even go in) every time he comes over to my house. I'm really thinking about hiding that jar. I can't stand it... I can't stand watching him not take care of himself. But I have the same lack of self control. I wonder if there's anyone in my life that watches me self destruct... watches me take that cookie and brownie when I really should be reaching for the strawberries or carrots.