No self control... where does it come from?

My dad has adult onset diabetes - which was diagnosed a dozen years ago. He had a heart attack several years back because he wasn't taking care of himself. And he still doesn't. I watch his weight creep up and down. I watch him eat the cookies and other sweets he should really stay away from. I watch him raid my candy jar (the one I don't even go in) every time he comes over to my house. I'm really thinking about hiding that jar. I can't stand it... I can't stand watching him not take care of himself. But I have the same lack of self control. I wonder if there's anyone in my life that watches me self destruct... watches me take that cookie and brownie when I really should be reaching for the strawberries or carrots.

Not the best week...

I haven't been having the best week. Mostly because I haven't been very careful with what I've been putting in my mouth. I did take a bike ride the other day and it was HARD. Goodness. I don't think I've been on a bike in about nine years - and I was quite a bit lighter then. I can only imagine what I looked like from the back. Actually, I don't even want to think about it.

What I really need to do is start writing down what I eat. So why haven't I been able to make that step. Maybe because writing things down will make me be honest with myself. So why aren't I ready for that? I'm not sure. Tomorrow's another day...

Drinking can be bad for the diet

We went to a neighborhood social at the pool last night - that was all you can drink. And we drank - all we could drink. Ugh. I'm not sure how many calories are in wine, but I'm sure it's not low-cal. And I drank a lot -probably more calories than I should have in one day. And felt like crap today... so much so that we went to McDonald's for breakfast and Five Guys for dinner - greasy food to help our upset tummies. Which is not the best for the diet. But we really did have a lot of fun, so I supposed it's worth it.

On a good note - I borrowed a pump and put air in the tires of my new bike. I washed it yesterday and it's good as new. Perhaps I'll try it out tomorrow.

A stomach bug is not a good diet

I hate not feeling well. But that's what's going one right now. I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramps and spent a bit of time the rest of the night in the bathroom. Not a good feeling. I'm still not feeling great and I haven't eaten much today. But feeling like crap is not good diet.

The good news in my life is that the treadmill works! I walked/ran on it a bit the other night. I hope to do it on a more regular basis. And I got a bike off of Freecycle. I just need to clean it up a bit and get a helmet. And Carina has a trailor that I can have - so I can pull #2 behind me while #1 and I take bike rides around the neighborhood!

Just some random thoughts

I was watching the funeral of Tim Russert today. I'm saddened by his death... and it's actually made me think about me. I know nothing about my heart health. And to be honest, I'm scared to go to the doctor. I do plan to make an appointment to have a physical - although I'd really like to lose a little weight first. I'm overdue for my yearly pap - and that's because the doctor told me at my last appointment that I needed to lose some weight. I've done anything but - I've gained 15 pounds or so since then (November 2006). I know how unhealthy it is to have extra weight on your body. I don't have the energy that I should have. I act like an old lady and I'm far from it. My knees have started to hurt while walking up stairs. I'm having a hard time getting off the floor when I'm sitting on it. All things that I never thought would happen to me. I see fat people and think "That's what I look like." It's a horrible way to live.

I've done well with the eating today. Of course, I'm going into the time of day that is difficult for me.

I'm going downstairs now to check out the treadmill that was given to us - over 6 weeks ago. It's shameful that I haven't tried it out yet.

Starting over... again

Third time is a charm... so they say. I've started this blog to help me on my (unsuccessful) journey twice already - now I'm onto my third time. And it is a journey, right? So here I am again.

I currently weigh more than I ever have. Ever. Even when I was 40 weeks pregnant with my last baby. Yeah... 8 pounds heavier than that. How disgusting is that? And today I was watching a dvr'ed episode of "John and Kate plus 8" and she mentioned how much she weighed when she gave birth to her six babies. Yeah... I weigh more than that.

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking through some old photos. Came across one from around my 19th birthday. I thought I was soooo fat then. I'd give a lot of money to be that "fat" right now. I'd love to get back down to that - or even close to that.

My clothes aren't fitting and I refuse to buy any bigger. So I'll have to squeeze myself into the clothes I have - or just wear the couple that really do fit. I'm not enjoying my life right now... and I know that quite a bit of it comes from my size. I'm disgusted with myself.... have I mentioned that?

So here I am. I've done well for the past two days. Well, minus all the wine I drank at Bunco last night. But my food eating has been pretty good. I've taken two (short) walks today. A little something is better than nothing.

I'm vowing to write more often - to hold myself accountable to something... even if it's just myself.

Why Not Me?

I find The Biggest Loser really inspirational. I do understand that a lot of it is set up and find it hard to believe that those people can lose that much weight in such a short period of time and NOT gain it back. I also believe that once most of those people go back to "real life," it may not be as easy for them. I mean, I could totally lose weight if my only responsibility in life was to exercise and eat what my trainer told me to eat. But, in real life, I have a lot going on. There's no way that I could exercise for eight hours a day. I took an hour walk today, and that was hard with a little one, in the stroller, complaining for the better part of the walk.

Anyway... back to The Biggest Loser. Ali really inspired me the other night. She could have been talking about ME! She was talking about how she shut down and didn't think she was worthy of happiness. She's now discovered "Why not me???" And so I ask myself... "Why not me?" I'm worth it. I SHOULD be happy! I should love myself enough to get healthy. And I'm really working towards that.

Today, I took a long, long walk with some of the ladies in my neighborhood. It was hard. In fact, in the beginning, when they told me where they were walking, I had serious doubt that I could do it. But one of the ladies encouraged me to do it. And I did. I made it! And I felt okay afterward. I seriously could have taken a nap afterward, but I didn't. I drove it and it was a little over 3 miles. That I walked. While pushing a stroller (that probably weighed, with child, about 40 pounds). And I'm going to do it again next week.

Jelly Beans are the devil

I sit here eating jelly beans. Lots and lots of jelly beans. They are the enemy right now. Jelly beans... and girl scout cookies. I bought two more boxes today at the last booth sale of the year. I'm not going to open them for months. So they won't be a problem right now. But jelly beans are. I just bought two bags of them. And then I read the nutritional value. Not a good choice at all.

I took a self picture today and immediately deleted it. I had three chins in it. Not pretty.

I haven't been doing well at all. Although I haven't gained anything, which is the only good part of life right now. I need to walk. And once the bus picks up on Monday, I'm putting the kid in the stroller and taking a walk... or at least that is my plan.

Down three pounds

I weighed myself today and I'm down 3. Not bad for a week. Went to an activities committee meeting today - avoided the thin mints and chocolate cake that were available. And a bonus - I walked to the meeting. It was a beautiful afternoon. The weather is supposed to be decent for some of this week also - hopefully I can get some walks in.

Finally on the wagon...

So finally, after thinking about it for weeks (okay... years!), I've started counting my points again. I started last Thursday (February 21st) and have done fairly well. Minus going to the Cheesecake Factory with Rorie on Sunday and eating a piece of chocolate cake at Bunco on Monday. I haven't officially weighed myself to see how I've done.

We went to the Olive Garden for dinner yesterday and I avoided the breadsticks. Which is good because I looked it up when I got home I saw they were 3 points each. Ugh! And truthfully, I usually eat two or three when we go there. I'm not sure what kind of points I ate with my dinner, but I had a lot of points to work with. And I've had a hard time eating all my points in the past few days. I know that you're not allowed to "bank" points, but whatever.

I will be thrilled if I lose 10 pounds by the end of March. I'm worried that once it gets warm, I won't have anything to wear. It's been bad enough this winter, but at least you can cover yourself up in the cold weather. Not so much once it gets warm!